The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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