Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
