Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
