Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
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