Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
