We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
