and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
