i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
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We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
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He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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