i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
