Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
