I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
smell my finger.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Randomize
