the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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