Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
