Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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