beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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