My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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