i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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