I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
