Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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