I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
