I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
