Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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