you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
It's shark week go big or go home
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
