hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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