Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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