make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
