Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Drunk is a universal language darling
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
