I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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