I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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