she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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