but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
