Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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