I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
