First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
