Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
