he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
