i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
