My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
