You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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