Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
it's like iHOP with fire
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
