Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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