I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
We smell like vodka and hangover
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
