She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
