I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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