just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My balls are so social today.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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