Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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