Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
