8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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