Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
