There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
