umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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