He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
