i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
