Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Can vaginas get frostbite?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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