So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
