so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Randomize
