I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
