Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
