Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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