Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
