i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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