It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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