just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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